Brownie Brats
by SpongeBat1
Summary: Panty and Stocking join the Girl Scouts to investigate a murder that seemingly involves ghosts. And to get cookies. Read and review!
1. A Boring Day

**Author's Note: Hey hey hey! I'm not dead! And now I bring you a fanfic of my new favorite show; Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt! I wish it lasted more than 13 episodes. It was hysterical! Like always, expect delays between updates.**

It was early morning in Daten City. Well, not "early" early, it was only 8:30, but still. Our story begins at Daten City Church, home of angels Panty and Stocking Anarchy. And they weren't "angels" in terms of behavior or personality. They were literal angels sent from Heaven. And in terms of behavior, they were anything but angelic. There's nothing they love more than sex, stuffing their faces, gambling, getting hammered, and all sorts of other unwholesome things. Because of their bad behavior, they were exiled to Earth to kill ghosts. It wasn't exactly their dream job, but it was better than complete banishment to Hell. On this particular morning, they were slumping on the couch eating cereal with their loser nerd friend Brief and their, erm… dog, Chuck, watching TV in the parlor. They were watching Brief's favorite program, "Sitcom" on the Lifetime channel. "I'm mad at you!" the lead actor yelled to his on-screen girlfriend. "I'm mad at you too!" she yelled back. "You know, I can't stay mad at you" the man said apologetically. "Me neither, let's have sex" his girlfriend replied. Another actor dressed in a Hawaiian shirt ran onto the screen. "I'm the comic relief!" he proclaimed, and the studio audience roared with laughter. Brief and Chuck guffawed along with them. Panty and Stocking, however, sat their simply chewing their cereal, bored out of their skulls, not at all amused by the drivel that Lifetime was calling comedy. While Chuck performed the Heimlich on Brief, who had choked on his cereal from laughing too hard, Garterbelt, African-American priest of the church and mentor to Panty and Stocking, entered the room. "Angels, we've got a mission!" "That's impossible," Panty, the blonde angel, spoke in a groggy tone, still barely awake. "Chuck would've coughed something up if there were ghosts." As if right on cue, a bolt of lightning struck the green dog, who hacked up a crumpled up paper. "Told you." Garterbelt replied. Panty yawned and stretched her arms before un-crumpling the note. "Ghost might be killing Girl Scouts" she read. "Ah, let 'em. I'm sick of those twerps always trying to sell their crap to me." Panty groaned, tossing the note aside. "But Stocking, how can you say no to such adorable girls and such delicious cookies?" Stocking, the Gothic one, asked. "Their cookies give me the runs." Panty grumbled as she resumed eating her cereal. "Besides, what would a ghost want with a stupid Girl Scout?" "I'm not entirely sure," Garterbelt answered, "But I'm almost certain ghost activity is involved." "How do you know?" Panty questioned. "People die in the wilderness all the time. Remember last year's angel picnic?"

Everyone began to recall last year's picnic. All the angels from heaven were gathered around a large blanket eating an assortment of food. As always, Panty and Stocking were devouring anything they could get their hands on. Belt, a brunette-haired angel, put down his sandwich and asked Leotard, an angel with long green hair, to pass him the macaroni salad. Before she could oblige, a bear suddenly came from nowhere, knocked Belt over, and started tearing at his chest. Sneaker, an angel with curly purple hair, grabbed his bow and arrow and shot the bear in the heart. The bear fell to the ground like a mighty oak, dead as a doornail. But it was too late. Belt was dead. After a brief moment of silence, everyone returned to their lunch as though nothing ever happened.

As Panty finished up her flashback, she concluded "She probably got eaten by a shark." "I'm afraid that's not the case" Garterbelt replied. The reverend grabbed the remote off the couch cushions and pressed a button. "This is footage from last night's newscast." Panty, Stocking, Brief, and Chuck all leaned forward to see. "Yesterday afternoon, Girl Scout Troop 69's 'Clean Up Daten Lake' project ended in tragedy when young scout Mary died suddenly when a massive hole was cut through her chest from seemingly nowhere" the anchorman reported. "Authorities are baffled by this sudden murder, claiming to have found absolutely no evidence. For the first time ever, they found the crime scene completely bare. No fingerprints, no dropped items, nothing." The screen showed a photo from the crime scene, and indeed, no evidence was present. "We'll keep you updated with further reports" the newsman finished. "And now, everyone's favorite bi-polar, mood-swinging weatherman, Carl!" Garterbelt turned off the TV. "Does that raise a few eyebrows?" he asked the still reluctant angels. "Are you sure it wasn't just expertly planned murder?" Panty asked somewhat nervously. Garterbelt shook his head. "Nope, no human could pull off an invisible chest cut like that." He approached the door leading out of the room and grabbed the doorknob. "If you need further convincing, I even have a witness." He opened the door and looked off to the side. "You can come in now, Mrs. Smith." A sobbing, slightly chubby, middle-aged woman with red hair entered the room. "This is Mary's mother, Mrs. Smith" Garterbelt introduced. "Oh please help me!" she cried. "My little Mary was so young, she didn't deserve to die like this!" The woman was practically in hysterics. "She was just poking a fish with a stick when huge hole appeared on her body from nowhere!" she continued. "I don't know how it happened, and I was hoping you could find out!" "Don't worry, ma'am, we'll see what we can do," Stocking said, comforting her. "Hey, wait, I haven't agreed to this yet!" Panty snapped. "Please, girls!" Mrs. Smith begged, now on her knees. "My Mary meant the world to me! If you find the ghost responsible and make them suffer a horrible and agonizing death, I promise I'll do anything to repay you!" Mrs. Smith collapsed to the floor, flooding the angels' feet with tears. "Please help her," Brief said, peering over Panty's shoulder. "She's eaten all our food." "Alright, fine! We'll find out what happened!" Panty sighed. "Oh, thank you, thank you!" Mrs. Smith cried, hugging the sisters tightly. "If you're going to find that ghost, you'll need to get connections with the troop." Garterbelt stated. "Okay, how do we join?" Panty asked as she and Stocking managed to get Mrs. Smith to release them from her grip. "I can set you up with an appointment to see the troop leader later today," Mrs. Smith explained. "Yeah, yeah," Panty scoffed. "Let's just do it and get it over with." "Oh, cheer up, Panty." Stocking said, pinching her sister's cheeks. "What could be more fun than ensuring a bunch of girls grow up to live long happy lives?" "Sex with men, or anything else, really." Panty replied. "You know, I've always wanted to be a Girl Scout." Stocking remarked, staring off. "Earning merit badges, getting free cookies, learning to knit, getting free cookies, going on camping trips, getting free cookies…" Stocking was practically drooling now. Panty let out a long sigh. "This is going to be a long case."

**And that's chapter one! What do you think so far? Suggestions and constructive criticism are welcome.**


	2. Sign Me Up, Scotty

**Author's Note: This chapter contains content that might instigate fear and disgust into those with weak hearts.**

It was 11:45 AM. Troop 69 leader Ms. Leading had set up her table at the rec center to meet with the girls who were signing up. Mrs. Smith, mother of the recently deceased Mary, had referred her to two girls, and she was hoping they were as good as she had described.

The two angel sisters entered the building and quickly located the woman they were set to meet. Ms. Leading looked up from her clipboard and took a quick look at the two girls before her.

"So, you're the girls Mrs. Smith told me about?" she asked.

"That's right," Panty answered. "We'd like to join the Girl Scouts."

"You seem a little old to be Girl Scouts" Ms. Leading responded, observing the two girls who looked like they were in their early twenties.

"We're not old!" the blonde fibbed. "We're just tall for our age!"

"Oh really?" she asked sarcastically. "You remind me of those two woman who were pleasured by a goat at the bowling alley."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?" Panty snapped, quickly catching herself and changing her tone. "I mean, what makes you say that?"

"Well, for starters, you look like the two women in last week's headline." Leading explained, holding up a newspaper with the headline "Two Whores Get Pleasured by Goat", complete with a picture.

"Oh, that." Panty said sheepishly. "You see, those were… our evil twins! From… Arkansas!"

Not believing a word coming out of the woman's mouth, Ms. Leading promptly threw the two angels out of the building.

The sisters dejectedly walked home. "Didn't get in?" Brief asked as they entered the church. "Nope" Stocking answered. "The bitch said we were 'too old'." Panty explained. "Why don't you try dressing more like little girls?" he suggested. "Brief, you're a genius!" Panty exclaimed. "And I know all about what little girls look like from the internet!"

About 26 minutes, Ms. Leading was looking over the information of the applicants. As she was skimming, two girls dressed in hipster gear approached the desk. "May I help you?" she asked, completely taken aback by the ridiculously dressed girls in front of her.

"Wassup?" the blonde one greeted. "We're like, little girls, and we, like, want to join the Scouts!" "Okay…?" Ms. Leading responded. "What are your qualifications?" The purple haired one laughed. "Qualifications?" she scoffed. "Who needs qualifications when, like, you have swag!" "Yeah!" the blonde one agreed. "YOLO, and all that crap!" The troop leader just stared at the two in utter disbelief. "Miley Cyrus is, like, my role model!" the blonde said. "She's so mature and independent and don't need no man!" "Like, I lick hammers every day! I wanna be just like her!" the purple haired girl replied. Wanting no more of this ridiculousness, Ms. Leading promptly threw the two girls out. "I told you that's not how little girls dress!" Stocking griped as she brushed herself off. "Hey, with all the shit Miley's done and her idiot little girl fans who support her, I thought they'd all look like this." Panty retorted.

Back at the church, the angels were grumpily eating their lunch of sandwiches and Doritos. "Any luck?" Garterbelt asked. "No!" Panty fumed. "That stupid skank won't let us in!" "What's the point in even trying?" Stocking wondered aloud. "She's right, we're too freakishly tall to look like girls." "That's it!" Brief cried out. "What?" Stocking asked. "My Uncle Jim is ridiculously tall!" Brief explained. "I can get him to pretend to be your father, and she'll think you're freakishly tall children with a freakishly tall father!" "Isn't Jim the uncle who always tells that gross story about his scrotum fungus?" Panty asked. "I thought that was his Uncle Bob." Stocking answered. "No, Bob's the one who married a jellyfish." Panty replied. "Stop talking about my family being weird!" Brief shrieked.

Sometime after lunch, Ms. Leading returned to her table, about to wrap things up. Panty, Stocking, and Uncle Jim entered the building. Panty and Stocking made sure to put their hair in different styles in the hopes that Ms. Leading wouldn't recognize them.

"Hello!" Jim greeted. "I'm a freakishly tall man and I'd like to sign my daughters up for your troop!" "Okay, and what are your daughters' names?" Ms. Leading asked. "They're, uh…" Jim froze up. "Panty and Stocking!" Panty whispered urgently. "Panty and Stocking!" Jim finished. "They're great little girls!" "I'm sure they are" Ms. Leading said. "So, tell me about them." "They're always doing their best to help others!" Jim said. "In fact, one time, after coming home from a fishing trip, I had this really nasty case of scrotum fungus." The angels nervously nudged Jim, signaling him to stop telling his story, but to no avail. "But my dear, dear daughters wouldn't let me take it sitting down. They offered to nurse me back to my old self. They took some lotion and pulled down my pants, and slowly rubbed it on my swollen testicles…" "I think that's enough, Dad!" Stocking interrupted, covering Jim's mouth. "As you can see, we're perfectly good little girls and we'd be great for this troop!" Ms. Leading was somewhat taken aback by Jim's disturbing story, but seemed convinced. "Well, I'll think about it." "That's great!" Jim said. "Say, do you play any basketball? You know, given your height." Leading asked. "I did in college, but I've retired." Jim explained. "You know, that reminds me of a funny story. I almost missed the championship game because my scrotum fungus started acting up. I couldn't let the team down, so I had to act fast. I grabbed some bath soap and rubbed it across my grossly misshapen dick…" "That's enough!" Panty yelled as she pulled the sick man outside. Ms. Leading just stared in utter confusion.

"Well, that could have gone better." Panty remarked. "Can I have my 20 bucks now?" Jim asked.

**And that's chapter 2! The main plot should get started next chapter. I hope none of you were traumatized by Uncle Jim.**


	3. New Girls

**Author's Note: Due to my Y chromosomes, I don't know how Girl Scouts works. I am in Boy Scouts, however, so I assume they're mostly the same.**

Despite Uncle Jim's inappropriate storytelling, Panty and Stocking were accepted into the Girl Scouts. Their first meeting was Wednesday night. At exactly 6:00 PM sharp, the duo showed up to the rec center dressed in the finest scout garb Brief's college fund could afford. When they entered the meeting room, they noticed Ms. Leading was indeed right about their height. The other girls were like tree stumps compared to them. Regardless, they sat down and hoped nobody would notice or care. "Good evening, Troop 69!" Ms. Leading greeted. "Good evening, troopmaster" the scouts replied. "I have some special news." Ms. Leading explained. "We have two new girls joining us tonight! Panty and Stocking Anarchy, please come to the front." She motioned with her hand for the girls, and they stood up and stood beside the troopmaster. "Please introduce yourselves to the troop" she instructed. "Hi, I'm Panty!" Panty greeted. "Why are you so freakishly tall?" one girl asked. Panty tried her very hardest to restrain herself from ripping the little brat in half. "It's not nice to make fun of people's physical deformations," she said through gritted teeth. "You should apologize and eat dirt!" "I'm sorry…" the girl answered as she grabbed a pile of dirt out of nowhere and started eating it. Panty continued with her introduction. "Anyways, I'm Panty! I like fashion and other crap little girls like!" "I'm Stocking!" her sister introduced. "Now where the cookies at?" Ms. Leading shot a concerned look at the girls and motioned for them to sit down. After the opening announcements about camping trips and other stuff, the girls broke into small circles to work on their whittling merit badge. Each group had bars of soap and pocket knives laid out. Panty and Stocking looked around and walked over to a small circle with only three girls; a blonde girl with her hair pulled in pigtails, a chubby brunette with a ponytail, and a short-haired Asian girl with glasses.

"Hi! Can we join your group?" Panty asked. The blonde one, presumably the leader of the other two girls, looked up. "Um, no way, you freakish giants" she answered. Panty was about to drop the nice girl act and rip the little bitch to shreds, but Stocking intervened. "Aw, please?" she asked. "There are only three people here, and all the other groups are full." Stocking went into full "pwetty pwease" mode, lips quivering and her pupils almost taking up her entire eyes. "Ugh, fine" the girl sighed. "But don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me!" "Fair enough." Stocking answered. The angels sat down and grabbed some soap and knives. "I don't like her" Panty whispered to her sister, pointing at the blonde. "Can we just kill her and say she's the ghost?" "No!" Stocking whispered back. "We need to investigate." "Gotcha" Panty answered, giving a thumbs up. "WHY DID YOU KILL MARY?!" she suddenly blurted, pointing at the chubby girl. The girl was visibly startled, and everyone stopped their whittling and looked over at Panty. Stocking grabbed her sister by the arm and sat her down. "Let me handle this," she whispered in irritation. "So, what are your names?" Stocking asked. "I'm Sarah" the blonde introduced. "That's Caitlin," she continued, pointing to the chubby brunette. "And that's Shelly" she said, pointing to the Asian girl. Shelly simply raised her hand and said "Hi" before returning to her whittling. "Well, like we said earlier, I'm Stocking, and this is my sister Panty." Stocking replied. Panty briefly looked up from her bar of soap before returning to carving a drawing of her beating the tar out of Sarah. Stocking glanced around nonchalantly, then tried making small talk with the girls. "So, tell me about yourselves!" "My daddy owns a huge cosmetics company" Sarah replied. "_Slut & Whore's_?" Stocking asked. "Yeah, that one." Sarah answered. "Since my daddy's famous, I'm super rich, and I won't let anybody pass on without letting them know it." "I can see…" Panty grumbled as she started carving even harder. "What about you two?" Stocking asked, turning to the other girls. Caitlin and Shelly looked up, but said nothing and quickly returned to their whittling. "Aw, a bit shy?" Stocking asked. "Yeah, they don't really talk." Sarah answered. "I'm the mouth of the group." "Oh, you've got a mouth, alright…" Panty scowled as she finished up her drawing. "Well, it was nice meeting you!" Stocking said as she started working on her soap. "I'm telling you, she's the ghost!" Panty whispered feverently. "Let's just kill her and get out of here!" "Patience, my young padawan" Stocking replied. "The answer will come in due time." "That's it, no more Star Wars for you!" Panty snapped.

**Yeah, pretty short chapter, but hopefully we'll be getting some more action next chapter! Somebody besides my brother review!**


	4. Thin Mints

**Sorry for not updating, but I had my wisdom teeth pulled and I didn't really feel like doing anything. So here's another (very short) chapter.**

**And TheAnnoyingAlien, you should really check this show out! You can find most of the episodes either dubbed or subtitled on YouTube.**

A month had passed since Mary Smith's mysterious murder, and the angel sisters still had yet to find any evidence of who the ghost was or if there even was one. Panty was grumpily eating her cereal one Sunday morning going over the notes she and Stocking had took. Garterbelt had met at the table with her to help her deduce who the culprit was while Chuck accidentally got inside the oven and suffered a multitude of third degree burns. "What have you found out so far?" Brief asked while he attempted to repair the toaster that had failed to heat up his waffle. Panty began running down her notes. "Well, Sarah's a bitch, Caitlin's a fatass, Shelly doesn't talk much, Beth thinks the crickets are spying on her, Kelly is friends with a squirrel, Madison wanted to sacrifice the squirrel to the rodent gods, Daisy thinks Stocking is creepy, Ashley knit herself into a coma, Sharon hit me with a pinecone and is now at a hospital on the other side of town, and Lisa's a vegan."

"It's the bitch girl!" Brief replied. "Definitely the bitch girl!" "That's what I said!" she answered. "But Stocking won't let me kill her until we're sure she's the ghost."

"Well, it could be the girl who believes in rodent gods" Brief pondered. "Yeah, I'm suspicious of her, too." Panty said, remembering the way she held up that squirrel and started chanting. "Well, you'd better find out something soon." Garterbelt advised. "Mrs. Smith ate all my toaster pastries!" "Believe me, I'm trying!" the blonde pouted. "Tracking ghosts is hard, especially when they haven't killed anyone else for the past month!" Garterbelt nodded and resumed going over the evidence with Panty.

A few moments later, Stocking strolled into the room, carrying a wheelbarrow filled with dozens upon dozens of boxes. Everyone took their eyes off their current activity and looked at Stocking's large haul. "What are those?" Panty asked. "Cookies" Stocking answered nonchalantly, biting into a Thin Mint.

"Where did you get those?"

"Storage facility."

"How did you even…?" Before Panty could finish her question, she decided to pay no mind to it and return to her notes.

"I take it you haven't found out anything either?" Garterbelt asked Stocking. "No," the Goth angel replied as she stowed her wheelbarrow away. "But I do know there's a campout coming up next month, and if my hunch is right, there's probably no better place to commit a murder." "Of course!" Panty said standing up. "The ghost isn't just gonna kill someone when there's a bunch of people around! They're waiting until their victim is somewhere more open and easier to get lost in!" She turned to her sister, extending her arms. "Stocking, you're a genius!" "Well, what can I say?" Stocking shrugged. "If I were a ghost, I'd do that, too." "That's a perfect chance to catch the ghost!" Garterbelt agreed. "All you have to do is go on that campout and wait until the ghost makes their next move!" "That, and we'll also need $200." Stocking added. Garterbelt's expression suddenly changed to one of shock while Stocking began digging through his pocket.


End file.
